Happy and Lasting Relationship
Most dating advice glosses over the concepts of
compatibility and chemistry, assuming most people having an intuitive grasp on
what they are and why they’re important. When you have chemistry with someone,
you just feel it. When you’re dating someone you’re not compatible with, it’s
obvious — like biting into a piece of spoiled fruit, the discomfort is
impossible to ignore
.
| knowing who you are compatible with |
Compatibility and chemistry are mostly ignored by dating
advice because they’re things that can’t be faked or changed. Instead, we spend
most of our time studying self-improvement, presentation, and the technical
mastery of social minutiae, all in an attempt to excel at the sales job of our
romantic and sexual services to possible partners. Dating advice is designed to
get that person who we feel is out of our league, to somehow trick or coax or
cajole them into noticing us. The girl we’ve never had before. The man we’ve
fantasized about. And if that guy or girl who’s out of our league is actually
not compatible with us, well, we don’t really want to hear about it.
Compatibility and chemistry, although not the same thing,
are often used by people interchangeably. They’re words people use loosely to
define an ephemera which exists in the space between two people — the
unspeakable and unseen connection, or lack thereof. But they’re different and
their difference is important to understand.
Compatibility is a natural alignment of lifestyle choices
and values between two people. A priest and a stripper have a major
incompatibility and I doubt many end up dating each other. That’s
compatibility. Put simply, if I value women who are intelligent and educated
and I meet a high school drop-out who values guys who have big muscles and like
to hunt deer, then we have a fundamental incompatibility that will probably
never be overcome and we will never date one another.
Compatibility usually corresponds to the long-term potential
between two people. High compatibility between people comes from similarities in their lifestyles and
values. Educated and liberal people usually date other educated and liberal
people. Hedonists usually date other hedonists. Insane religious nuts usually
date other insane religious nuts. For no other reason than people of opposite
moral values, quite literally, repel each other. And sometimes violently.
Chemistry on the other hand, represents the emotional
connection present when you’re with each other. Two people who have a high
degree of chemistry have emotional make-ups and personalities that bring out
warm-fuzzy emotions in the other, creating a kind of positive feedback loop
through which they continue to make each other feel better and better. When you
have a high degree of chemistry with someone, they monopolize your thoughts
and/or your free-time. You’ll stay up talking until the sun comes up and not
even feel like an hour went by. You’ll hope that every call or text is him/her.
And it will be. You’ll walk through life constantly wondering, “What would
he/she think about X?” where X is a song, a bird, a walk through the park, a
traffic jam, or a tenuous visit to the dentist.
Call it
passion. Call it love. Call it sickness. The basic traits of your/their
personality and your/their slightest behaviors ravage each others’ dopamine
receptors in a neurological orgy of starry-eyed dreaminess. When you’re
together — which simultaneously seems like all the time and not enough — it’s
dominated by whispers of sweet nothings, liberal usages of the ‘L’ word, and a
disgusting level of cuddling that nauseates all persons within a 20 foot radius.
Specific examples of what creates strong chemistry are
harder to peg. It may be the way a girl laughs at your jokes, the questions she
asks you about your day, the way you hold her in bed, or how you help her move
into her new apartment. Chemistry is made up of subtle behaviors and
dispositions that positively correspond with the other person. It’s a closed
karmic loop. Chemistry is felt immediately and by both parties equally. The
most important rule about chemistry is that whatever you’re feeling, she is
most likely feeling it too. You almost become empaths for one another.
The artist Alex Grey once said, “True love is when two
people have pathologies that complement one another.” He was only half-joking.
High levels of chemistry usually come from opposite
yet complementary qualities in
people. A girl who is high-strung, energetic and slightly neurotic will have a
high degree of chemistry with a guy who is relaxed, mellow and open. Introverts
usually have natural chemistry with extroverts. People who are orderly and
intense planners often work best with people who are spontaneous and
unorganized.
Unlike compatibility, a lack of chemistry doesn’t repel one
another. A lack of chemistry simply results in a lack of emotional intensity.
Things just feel kind of dead and boring when you are together.
Chemistry is also reflected in the bedroom. A lack of
chemistry will mean boring, emotionless sex. A highdegree of chemistry will
mean intense, life-altering, heart-pounding sex that causes your mind to
cosmically splatter itself on the walls of your consciousness.
Compatibility and chemistry don’t necessarily always occur
together. A relationship with high compatibility but little chemistry is likely
to be a boring yet convenient series of meetings and conversations, dry and
dull until both parties simply stop caring and drift apart, or they consummate
their mutual convenience by getting married and promise themselves a lifetime
of simple and asexual companionship. Sadly, this arrangement isn’t uncommon.
Chemistry without compatibility on the other hand, usually
leads to disaster. Sometimes it can be as simple as not living in the same part
of the world. But usually it’s far more complicated than that. It’s when it feels so right, when you know it’s so
wrong.
It’s the person who you know is bad for you but you can’t
stop seeing her. Your behavior becomes completely irrational. Your thoughts
distort. And soon, you and your fellow torture-victim-of-choice initiate a
perpetual cycle of mutual emotional-immolation, both spiraling through
love/hate cycles together at the speed of life. You suddenly find yourself
spitting out phrases such as, “I don’t care if he’s married to a convicted
felon, we’re meant to be together,”
or “Look, I know she faked being pregnant to get me to propose to her, but you
know, it may just be fate, right?” while your friends all stare at you, jaws
agape, unsure whether to risk backlash by trying to snap you out of it, or to
feign support while you continue to spin helpless and deluded in your tornado
of love, wrecking your own life in the most unsubtle of ways.
High levels of chemistry with major incompatibilities is bad
news. Really bad news. These
relationships usually begin quickly and passionately, exploding like a flaming
geyser, which then extinguishes just as quickly as it began. Logic kicks in.
Reality makes itself known. And you suddenly realize how fucking offensive you
find each other. They’re traps. And getting out is easier said than done. Your
heart says yes, but your head says no. And then you convince your head to say
yes, which in turn makes your heart say no. Which makes your head say, “Wait,
what the fuck?” So your decision making falls back to your penis — because this
girl is so fucking hot, after all — even though you know your penis rarely
makes wise decisions, which leads to bloody satin sheets, embarrassing public
arguments, unpaid drink tabs, thrown iPods, changed locks, unanswered phone
calls, tear-ridden voicemails, and the sterile interior of a clinic, or if
you’re lucky, the famous
oh-god-please-don’t-give-me-a-false-positive-you-piece-of-shit-$9.99pregnancy-test-from-7/11
experience, which is guaranteed to challenge any man’s sanity. And then there
you are (wherever you go, as they say), and you find yourself jobless with two
one-way tickets to Bermuda that were never used, six stitches, slashed car
tires and a shattered cell phone. But at least that fucking cunt is gone (even
though you still kinda miss her).
Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything.
Nope.
The experience is vicious yet thrilling, and will never let
you forget that we are, after all, animals.
Navigating the dating territory of life with confidence
requires that you understand these concepts. If you want to ultimately end up
spending your time with amazing men/women/whatever who you enjoy — and I don’t
just mean enjoy fucking (that should be a given), but I mean really, truly,
enjoy — then it’s important you get a cognitive handle on these emotional
indicators. The most important aspect is understanding what you want — what
makes a person compatible to you,
what personality traits have chemistry with you?
The first question I ask everyone I work with is “What do you want?” It’s
crucial you know. You need to know what you like and what you want in a
partner. If you don’t, then you need to cautiously gain enough experience until
you do know.
I’ve found over the years that I’m incapable of dating girls
who aren’t incredibly smart. I can make it 2-3 dates with a woman of average
intelligence or less and that’s usually solely by merit of drowning my face in
alcohol until I become incapable of listening to her any longer. It becomes
insipid and dull, and I refuse to be an insipid or dull person. Since a
long-term relationship with these types of women would necessitate I take up
alcoholism as a hobby, we inevitably part ways. I also don’t work well with
girls who are particularly religious or who have socially conservative values
(I shouldn’t have to explain this one). I need a girl who likes to travel. And
who cares about politics. These are important things to me. I’ll still sleep
with women who aren’t compatible with me, but I know better than to try and
date them.
I’ve learned that I have chemistry with women who are driven
and ambitious. Their personalities work with mine in a unique, yet comfortable
way (for both of us). I’ve found my personality meshes well with women who are
a tad neurotic, as I’m generally too laid back for my own good. I also “click”
with women who appreciate a dark, sarcastic wit and are very giving and caring.
I regularly find myself seeing teachers, nurses, social workers, volunteer
workers, etc. multiple times and sometimes having a serious relationship with
them.
These are
the women who work for me. Who works for you?
By Geocklyn
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