How To Be A Clueless President.
By Femi AribisalaInstead of giving Nigerians the change youchampioned, give them excuses.
Blames Good luck Jonathan for everything.In six years of Goodluck Jonathan’s presidency,the opposition told us again and again the manwas “clueless.” It made sure the tag stuck to himlike glue. But now we have a new sheriff in town,with the APC claiming to be better at everythingthan the PDP.
While that might still be subject todebate, there is overwhelming evidence that in thecluelessness department, the PDP is certainly nomatch for the APC.Here is a compendium from the APC textbook ofcluelessness, provided within barely one year inoffice. If you want to know how to be a cluelesspresident, this is the APC blueprint.Blame GameInstead of giving Nigerians the change youchampioned, give them excuses. Blame GoodluckJonathan for everything, including the harmattan.Whenever you make a blunder, pass the buck tothe former president.
If there is petrol shortage,blame it on Goodluck Jonathan. If the budget isdead on arrival, blame it on Goodluck Jonathan.In the middle of an economic crisis, promise toprovide Nigerians with free education; free mealsdaily for millions of Nigerian public school-children; free tertiary education; free health-care and freehouses. Facing a drastic drop in Nigeria’s income,declare you will be giving grants of N1.5 trillion ayear to Nigeria’s poor. When you fail to deliver onany on these highfalutin promises, blame it quicklyon Goodluck Jonathan.BlundersForget the name of your vice-presidential running-mate. Call him Yemi Osunbade instead of YemiOsinbajo.
Tell President Obama the name of yourpolitical party is the All Nigeria’s Peoples’Congress when it is All Progressives Congress. Callyour party on CNN the All Progressives Confidence.Tell Al Jazeera INEC means Independent NigerianElectoral Commission instead of IndependentNational Electoral Commission. Even though WestGermany ceased to exist in 1999 and the currentGerman president is Joachim Gauck, refer toGerman Chancellor, Angela Merkel as “PresidentMichelle of West Germany.”Destroy INEC by turning it into a NationalCommission for Inconclusive Elections. Go to theUnited Nations and give a rousing speech aboutfighting Boko Haram, then fail to attend the crucialmeeting on Boko Haram at the same U.N. session.Tell the Americans the Chibok girls were abductedfrom their “hotels” instead of their “hostels.”Tell Nigerians there is nothing like petroleumsubsidy.
Then as president, announce the removal of the non-existent petroleum subsidy. ClaimJonathan diverted $700 million from the $1.1billion Chinese loan for the Lagos/Kano rail projectwhen only $400 million was earmarked for Lagos/Kano rail. Announce that foreign exchange cannow be paid into domiciliary accounts withoutspecifying if depositors will be allowed to withdrawthem.Anti-corruption rigmaroleDeclare that you will kill corruption in Nigeria whilebeing surrounded and bankrolled by corruptpoliticians. Then invite those with corruptionallegations hanging over their heads into yourcabinet. Maintain: “Jonathan’s ministers stole 150billion dollars.” But fail to prosecute them forstealing $150 billion.
Tell Nigerians $2.1 billionwas stolen by the PDP through Dasukigate, butcharge people to court for stealing no more than$100 million.Believe that trying members of the PDP forcorruption on the pages of newspapers amounts towaging a serious war on corruption and is asubstitute for national economic policy. Say: “Wecannot build an economy where corruption is theworking capital.”
Then declare to no effect thatrecovered stolen monies will be used to revamp thenational economy.Insist Abacha never stole any money, and thenprobe the PDP for the mismanagement of the non-existent Abacha loot recovered from abroad. Fail torecognise that with the official exchange-rate atN198 to $1, while the parallel market rate is N305to $1, you have created the widest parallel marketmargin ever recorded in Nigeria’s history and laidthe foundation for widespread corruption in thebanks.Accuse the opposition of using public funds tofinance its election campaign, but fail to disclosewhere you got the money to finance your own veryexpensive election campaign.
Claim to be so cash-strapped, you had to borrow N27.5 million to payfor the presidential nomination papers of yourparty; then state in your assets declaration thatyou have N30 million in your bank account.Commend INEC for running the ostensibly free andfair election that brought you to power; thenchallenge in court every election conducted by thesame INEC that your party lost.ContradictionsClaim you inherited an empty treasury in spite ofthe over $30 billion left in our foreign reserves.
Say you met no money in the treasury, then spend N2.2billion on a four-day junket to the U.S. with noagenda and with nothing achieved.Say: the federal government of Nigeria is: “thebiggest Boko Haram.”
Then become the head ofthe federal government of Nigeria. Declaregrandiloquently: “I belong to everybody and Ibelong to nobody.” Then say: “The constituents(that) gave me 97% cannot in all honesty betreated on some issues with constituencies thatgave me 5%.” Say you belong to everybody butensure that your personal aides are virtually allNortherners.Say: “I bear no ill will against anyone on pastevents. Nobody should fear anything from me. Weare not after anyone.” “There will be no paying offold scores. The past is prologue.” Then send EFCCdogs after Elder Godsday Erubebe.Say: “I pledge myself and the government to therule of law, in which none shall be so above thelaw that they are not subject to its dictates, andnone shall be so below it that they are not availedof its protection.” Then seek to replace the rule oflaw with the rule of fear. Go on national televisionand tell Nigerians you will not be obeying thecourts in the cases of Dasuki and Kanu. Interfere inthe judicial process by publicly declaring yourenemies guilty without trial.
Tell Christiane Amanpour on CNN that you willdefeat Boko Haram within two months if elected.Then say you did not say so. Declare that you willdefeat Boko Haram by the end of December 2015,then say you only meant to defeat it “technically”after it unleashes mayhem on Maiduguri while youwere busy celebrating its fictional defeat.Say: “Boko Haram is a typical example of smallfires causing large fires.
An eccentric andunorthodox preacher with a tiny following wasgiven posthumous fame and following by his extrajudicial murder at the hands of the police.” Thensend troops to massacre hundreds of Shi’ites inZaria. Involve Nigeria in a Middle Eastern regionalstruggle between Saudi Arabia and Iran by joiningthe Saudi led anti-terrorist coalition.
Open the doorfor wider terrorist attacks on Nigeria by killingShi’ites in the North while the Saudis executeShi’ite mullahs and prisoners in Saudi Arabia.Prosecute avoidable wars on several home-fronts:against Boko Haramites in the North-east; Shi’itesin the North-west; Biafrans in the South-east; andNiger Deltans in the South-South.Nonsensical policiesGrind the country to a halt by making yourself SoleAdministrator of Nigeria for six months. Squanderyour vital first 100 days in office doing absolutelynothing; while receiving cheers as “Baba Go-Slow.”Present “body language” as a substitute for policy.Ensure that over N5 trillion is wiped off theNigerian Stock Exchange within six months of yourcoming to office.Promise: “I will stabilise global oil price.” Thenwatch as the oil price tumbles from $50 to $28within eight months of your presidency. Also ball-watch as the naira tumbles to a record-breakingN305 to one dollar.Declare when the country is broke: “I will provideone meal a day for children in public primaryschools.”
“I will make direct cash transfer of 5,000naira to the 25 million poorest and most vulnerablecitizens.” Propose through your Minister of ScienceFiction to create 3.4 million jobs in Nigeria in 2016through the production of pencils. Plan to have365 cultural festivals 365 days a year under yourMinistry of Culture.Shout “chanji, chanji” while a large chunk of yourparty-members are turncoats from the same PDPthat ruled the country for the last 16 years. Referto ministers as noisemakers then establish aCabinet of ministers. Take six months to choose acabinet then come out with old cargoes.
Tell Nigerians you delayed appointing ministersbecause you were looking for saints and angels,then appoint many known devils. Say: “The corruptwill not be appointed into my administration.” Thenappoint those with corruption allegations hangingover their heads.Delight in putting square pegs in round holes. MakeKayode Fayemi, who has a Ph.D. in War Studies,Minister for Solid Minerals instead of Minister ofForeign Affairs.
Make Professor Anthony Anwukah,a professor of Education and a former vice-chancellor a Junior Minister to a journalist, AdamuAdamu, in the Ministry of Education. Make SolomonDalong, a former Assistant Inspector of Prisons theMinister of Youth Affairs and Sports. MakeMuhammadu Bello, who headed the National HajjCommission for eight years, FCT Minister.
BudgetingPropose a N6 trillion budget in 2016 for a nationthat failed to meet revenue estimates of N4 trillionin 2015. Predicate this on borrowing N2.2 trillion,which requires N1.2 billion daily to service.Benchmark your budget on the price of oil being$38 in 2016, making it dead on arrival with the oilprice falling to $28 within a fortnight of yourbudget presentation. Fail to anticipate that, oncesanctions against Iran are lifted, the oil price willgo further down as Iranian oil is added to theinternational oil glut. Allocate N40 billion to lookfor oil in the North East in the middle of an oil glutwhen Nigeria needs to diversify from oil.
By Femi AribisalaInstead of giving Nigerians the change youchampioned, give them excuses.
Blames Good luck Jonathan for everything.In six years of Goodluck Jonathan’s presidency,the opposition told us again and again the manwas “clueless.” It made sure the tag stuck to himlike glue. But now we have a new sheriff in town,with the APC claiming to be better at everythingthan the PDP.
While that might still be subject todebate, there is overwhelming evidence that in thecluelessness department, the PDP is certainly nomatch for the APC.Here is a compendium from the APC textbook ofcluelessness, provided within barely one year inoffice. If you want to know how to be a cluelesspresident, this is the APC blueprint.Blame GameInstead of giving Nigerians the change youchampioned, give them excuses. Blame GoodluckJonathan for everything, including the harmattan.Whenever you make a blunder, pass the buck tothe former president.
If there is petrol shortage,blame it on Goodluck Jonathan. If the budget isdead on arrival, blame it on Goodluck Jonathan.In the middle of an economic crisis, promise toprovide Nigerians with free education; free mealsdaily for millions of Nigerian public school-children; free tertiary education; free health-care and freehouses. Facing a drastic drop in Nigeria’s income,declare you will be giving grants of N1.5 trillion ayear to Nigeria’s poor. When you fail to deliver onany on these highfalutin promises, blame it quicklyon Goodluck Jonathan.BlundersForget the name of your vice-presidential running-mate. Call him Yemi Osunbade instead of YemiOsinbajo.
Tell President Obama the name of yourpolitical party is the All Nigeria’s Peoples’Congress when it is All Progressives Congress. Callyour party on CNN the All Progressives Confidence.Tell Al Jazeera INEC means Independent NigerianElectoral Commission instead of IndependentNational Electoral Commission. Even though WestGermany ceased to exist in 1999 and the currentGerman president is Joachim Gauck, refer toGerman Chancellor, Angela Merkel as “PresidentMichelle of West Germany.”Destroy INEC by turning it into a NationalCommission for Inconclusive Elections. Go to theUnited Nations and give a rousing speech aboutfighting Boko Haram, then fail to attend the crucialmeeting on Boko Haram at the same U.N. session.Tell the Americans the Chibok girls were abductedfrom their “hotels” instead of their “hostels.”Tell Nigerians there is nothing like petroleumsubsidy.
Then as president, announce the removal of the non-existent petroleum subsidy. ClaimJonathan diverted $700 million from the $1.1billion Chinese loan for the Lagos/Kano rail projectwhen only $400 million was earmarked for Lagos/Kano rail. Announce that foreign exchange cannow be paid into domiciliary accounts withoutspecifying if depositors will be allowed to withdrawthem.Anti-corruption rigmaroleDeclare that you will kill corruption in Nigeria whilebeing surrounded and bankrolled by corruptpoliticians. Then invite those with corruptionallegations hanging over their heads into yourcabinet. Maintain: “Jonathan’s ministers stole 150billion dollars.” But fail to prosecute them forstealing $150 billion.
Tell Nigerians $2.1 billionwas stolen by the PDP through Dasukigate, butcharge people to court for stealing no more than$100 million.Believe that trying members of the PDP forcorruption on the pages of newspapers amounts towaging a serious war on corruption and is asubstitute for national economic policy. Say: “Wecannot build an economy where corruption is theworking capital.”
Then declare to no effect thatrecovered stolen monies will be used to revamp thenational economy.Insist Abacha never stole any money, and thenprobe the PDP for the mismanagement of the non-existent Abacha loot recovered from abroad. Fail torecognise that with the official exchange-rate atN198 to $1, while the parallel market rate is N305to $1, you have created the widest parallel marketmargin ever recorded in Nigeria’s history and laidthe foundation for widespread corruption in thebanks.Accuse the opposition of using public funds tofinance its election campaign, but fail to disclosewhere you got the money to finance your own veryexpensive election campaign.
Claim to be so cash-strapped, you had to borrow N27.5 million to payfor the presidential nomination papers of yourparty; then state in your assets declaration thatyou have N30 million in your bank account.Commend INEC for running the ostensibly free andfair election that brought you to power; thenchallenge in court every election conducted by thesame INEC that your party lost.ContradictionsClaim you inherited an empty treasury in spite ofthe over $30 billion left in our foreign reserves.
Say you met no money in the treasury, then spend N2.2billion on a four-day junket to the U.S. with noagenda and with nothing achieved.Say: the federal government of Nigeria is: “thebiggest Boko Haram.”
Then become the head ofthe federal government of Nigeria. Declaregrandiloquently: “I belong to everybody and Ibelong to nobody.” Then say: “The constituents(that) gave me 97% cannot in all honesty betreated on some issues with constituencies thatgave me 5%.” Say you belong to everybody butensure that your personal aides are virtually allNortherners.Say: “I bear no ill will against anyone on pastevents. Nobody should fear anything from me. Weare not after anyone.” “There will be no paying offold scores. The past is prologue.” Then send EFCCdogs after Elder Godsday Erubebe.Say: “I pledge myself and the government to therule of law, in which none shall be so above thelaw that they are not subject to its dictates, andnone shall be so below it that they are not availedof its protection.” Then seek to replace the rule oflaw with the rule of fear. Go on national televisionand tell Nigerians you will not be obeying thecourts in the cases of Dasuki and Kanu. Interfere inthe judicial process by publicly declaring yourenemies guilty without trial.
Tell Christiane Amanpour on CNN that you willdefeat Boko Haram within two months if elected.Then say you did not say so. Declare that you willdefeat Boko Haram by the end of December 2015,then say you only meant to defeat it “technically”after it unleashes mayhem on Maiduguri while youwere busy celebrating its fictional defeat.Say: “Boko Haram is a typical example of smallfires causing large fires.
An eccentric andunorthodox preacher with a tiny following wasgiven posthumous fame and following by his extrajudicial murder at the hands of the police.” Thensend troops to massacre hundreds of Shi’ites inZaria. Involve Nigeria in a Middle Eastern regionalstruggle between Saudi Arabia and Iran by joiningthe Saudi led anti-terrorist coalition.
Open the doorfor wider terrorist attacks on Nigeria by killingShi’ites in the North while the Saudis executeShi’ite mullahs and prisoners in Saudi Arabia.Prosecute avoidable wars on several home-fronts:against Boko Haramites in the North-east; Shi’itesin the North-west; Biafrans in the South-east; andNiger Deltans in the South-South.Nonsensical policiesGrind the country to a halt by making yourself SoleAdministrator of Nigeria for six months. Squanderyour vital first 100 days in office doing absolutelynothing; while receiving cheers as “Baba Go-Slow.”Present “body language” as a substitute for policy.Ensure that over N5 trillion is wiped off theNigerian Stock Exchange within six months of yourcoming to office.Promise: “I will stabilise global oil price.” Thenwatch as the oil price tumbles from $50 to $28within eight months of your presidency. Also ball-watch as the naira tumbles to a record-breakingN305 to one dollar.Declare when the country is broke: “I will provideone meal a day for children in public primaryschools.”
“I will make direct cash transfer of 5,000naira to the 25 million poorest and most vulnerablecitizens.” Propose through your Minister of ScienceFiction to create 3.4 million jobs in Nigeria in 2016through the production of pencils. Plan to have365 cultural festivals 365 days a year under yourMinistry of Culture.Shout “chanji, chanji” while a large chunk of yourparty-members are turncoats from the same PDPthat ruled the country for the last 16 years. Referto ministers as noisemakers then establish aCabinet of ministers. Take six months to choose acabinet then come out with old cargoes.
Tell Nigerians you delayed appointing ministersbecause you were looking for saints and angels,then appoint many known devils. Say: “The corruptwill not be appointed into my administration.” Thenappoint those with corruption allegations hangingover their heads.Delight in putting square pegs in round holes. MakeKayode Fayemi, who has a Ph.D. in War Studies,Minister for Solid Minerals instead of Minister ofForeign Affairs.
Make Professor Anthony Anwukah,a professor of Education and a former vice-chancellor a Junior Minister to a journalist, AdamuAdamu, in the Ministry of Education. Make SolomonDalong, a former Assistant Inspector of Prisons theMinister of Youth Affairs and Sports. MakeMuhammadu Bello, who headed the National HajjCommission for eight years, FCT Minister.
BudgetingPropose a N6 trillion budget in 2016 for a nationthat failed to meet revenue estimates of N4 trillionin 2015. Predicate this on borrowing N2.2 trillion,which requires N1.2 billion daily to service.Benchmark your budget on the price of oil being$38 in 2016, making it dead on arrival with the oilprice falling to $28 within a fortnight of yourbudget presentation. Fail to anticipate that, oncesanctions against Iran are lifted, the oil price willgo further down as Iranian oil is added to theinternational oil glut. Allocate N40 billion to lookfor oil in the North East in the middle of an oil glutwhen Nigeria needs to diversify from oil.
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