The
Selection Process
I believe it is crucial to identify
and clearly communicate our relationship expectations and personal timelines
early on in the dating phase. So often, we get into relationships with silent
expectations of a future event that is important to us, thinking that
our partner will come around to it when the time is right, only to find out
several years later that things will never work out the way we expected. Some
common unspoken issues of this nature revolve around marriage, children,
financial goals, and even which city you settle down in.
First, be clear with yourself on
these types of issues. Understand what kind of commitment you are looking for
in a relationship, how you feel about children and where you plan to live.
There are no wrong answers, but be honest and specific about what you are
looking for in the current stage of your life.
| The art of loving yourself |
Next, tell yourself that on all of your first dates, you will be clear with people about your relationship expectations and timeline, if any. It can be a scary and awkward experience at first, but it will become less of a nerve racking experience over time. And just think of all the time and emotional energy you are saving by being open from the get-go, instead of setting silent expectations that can lead to disappointment.
On my first dates with any girl, I found that telling them my expectations was pretty nerve-racking, especially for men I was really attracted to, since they could potentially run the other way. I would begin to tell myself that this would be too much of a shocking conversation for most people to handle on a first date. Why not just wait until date 5 or 6, when I know that he really likes me? The answer is that by then I would have emotionally attached myself to this person and would then be in a situation where I would either have to settle for less than what I wanted, or break it off. It would have been much better to have learned on the first date whether or not we were a good fit.
Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that pops up, fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. Think about the fact that there are 6.8 billion people on the planet.
Doesn’t it make more sense that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand”? I genuinely believe that there are a countless number of people out there who will be great fits for us, and it’s just a matter of filtering through potential partners until we find one of them.
As such, communicating your desires,
needs and expectations, ahead of time, becomes crucial.
Dating shouldn’t be about settling
out of a fear that a better fit might not come along. I believe that dating is
about identifying the qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and
then “filtering” through as many people as it takes until you find someone who
possesses all the important qualities that you need.
Love
Yourself First
As I mentioned in the article Breakups tips,
the art of loving yourself
is not only important in the healing process from love lost, but also in
finding love. I believe that we cannot truly allow others to love us, until we
first love ourselves.
Practice loving yourself: take yourself on a date, do things that please and relax you, spend quality time with yourself, write love letters to yourself, practice saying and feeling “I love you” in the mirror.
| You are the true love you seek |
Additionally, the practice of loving yourself makes you a more attractive person to the outside world.
When you truly love yourself, you
will exude and spread a magnetic energy to those around you. Before you know
it, you will be surrounded by those attracted to you for who you really are.
Forgiving
Our Ex’s
When we hold onto unresolved issues
from previous relationships, they become emotional baggage in our future
relationships. I’ve found forgiving your ex’s to be a liberating exercise that
contributes to the wellbeing of yourself and your future relationships.
A
Few Words On Sex
For those of us who are sexually
active, I would like to point out one thing. When you have an orgasm, there is
a chemical change that takes place in your body. In particular, your body
releases a hormone called oxytocin that
binds you emotionally to the other person. For a man, the effects of this
hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days.
This explains why, after having sex
with someone who is clearly a bad fit for us, we can end up in a relationship
with them, even if it’s for a short amount of time. Far too often, these
relationships can turn into long term relationships that ultimately end badly.
It is recommended by relationship
experts to not have sex during your dating and selection process unless you are
okay with being emotionally bound to that person or having that person be
emotionally bound to you for 14 days. Alison recommends not having sex with
someone unless they fit all the qualities on your MR list.
Parting
Words
People often ask, “Where should I go
to find this person?” The logical answer provided by most is to go to places
where such a person would hang out, but this practice can often lead to
disappointment. My suggestion is to go through the exercises above to gain
clarity on what you need and the types of relationships you want. Then spend
time practicing the art of self-loving, while being open to the idea of your
ideal mate entering your life. I would not actively seek it. Instead spend your
efforts on self-development.
As with all things of the heart, there is an ingredient of
magic in finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a
reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. The best thing we can do is to
start to become the most outstanding person possible. The universe will know
when we are ready, and when we are, true love will happen, unexpectedly.
By Geocklyn
Foot Note
The Female Brain“, by Dr. Louann Brizendine.
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